I have created a chasm between us. . . I pushed you away. . . my selfish heart speaks
You are always ever kind. . . Ever understanding. . . I am difficult. . . I make you angry . . . I ruin you. . . my selfish heart speaks
I remember your eyes when you looked at me and told me that I would be ok, you were innocent, believed I was savable. . . I am not. . . at least not by you. . . you cannot save me! you won’t save me! . . .I will not let you. . . I am angry, angry at myself, angry all the time, I want to be alone yet you always pull me away from my resolute solitude. . . I don’t know what to do, only that when I am broken you always try to save me, and I ruin you in return . . . so you would hate me. My selfish heart speaks
. . so that you would stay away. . .and I would preserve myself. . . my dignity. . .my sense of self. . . I don’t doubt your compassion, your empathy. . .your attraction . . . I doubt your love. . . your love that will always see me as you do now, a weak and fragile thing. . . you do not understand, that were there to be a label I want to run away from, it would be weak and fragile. . . I don’t hate fragility and vulnerability. . .I just hate that it is all that you see, when you look at me. . . so I ruined you, I ruined you to preserve myself. . . my selfish heart speaks
The four sparrows met. . . one blue, one purple, one black and one yellow. . .
The blue wondered when the rain would stop she has feathers to sell. . .
The yellow hates the rain, sunshine is her deal and there is a life to be lived . . .
The black enjoys the rain, she is at home with the thunder and darkness. . .
The purple is royalty, irritated by the rain, eager to go back to her crowds and outdoor speeches. . .
The sparrows found each other on a rainy day . . .
The yellow welcomed them all, hospitality is her light. . .
The black listened to all their problems, empathy is her light. . .
The blue kept them organized, reminded everyone to study for the flight tests, professor Owl is not to be trifled with, she reminds them, neither are their lives, service is her light. . .
The purple led them into battle, in her eyes when one of the sparrows is attacked she is attacked, protection is her light. . .
The sparrows found each other on a rainy day. . .
The yellow is given to insecurity and vanity, that is her darkness. . .
The black sinks into depression and self-pity that is her darkness. . .
The blue can be impatient and she is constantly wrangling with jealousy, which squatters in her system, that is her darkness. . .
The purple can be controlling, anxious and manipulative, that is her darkness. . .
The sparrows found each other on a rainy day. . .
The rain poured, on and on, and the newly acquainted sparrows hurdled closer together. . .even black stopped enjoying the gloom and instead moved closer to purple for a cuddle, blue clutched on to sunny yellow and for purple. . . it was hero time.
Such was the first meeting for our heroines. . . unaware at the time that the long, and sometimes grim flights across the sky were about to become bearable adventures from then on, for a journey flown with friends is shorter and scenic.
The sparrows found each other on a rainy day. . .
On the last day of school, it was all smiles. . .Professor Owl was very distinguished, tooting in restrained satisfaction. . . the little sparrows had not disappointed. . . Blue led the company with polished, all rounded, excellent grades, the rest each distinguished themselves in their specific fields of interest . . . even black forgot her veneer of despondency and managed a blooming pastel for the day, surrendering her characteristic `artistic` blacks just for that day. . . the sparrows gathered close together each placing a wing on another . . .overjoyed at being in each other`s company. . . yet afraid of the unseen future. . . high spirited promises to be in each other`s lives forever were made, even with the looming, underlying fear of separation. . . the sparrows however need not to have worried . . .their fates are sealed, for in the end, all would recount to their nestlings about how. . .
The sparrows found each other on a rainy day. . .
Blue finished her nest first, but it was Purple who was the first to fill hers with young, not that the others were surprised. . . Purple had begun early, by practicing on them, she had always made them feel secure and dished out wisdom that got them out of tight spots. . . The first of the set of nestlings were welcomed by an armful of excited, protective aunties. Next was the reluctant Black. . . that had been a surprise more so for her than the others, hers was only one nestling, the nestling`s colors were a riot of golden and white. . . auntie Yellow was besides herself, they went on with the little one like bread and tea, quite famously. . .dear Black was constantly bewildered and fully enamored by her child. Black has abandoned her dark fortress for a more refreshing green, the color of life she says, speckles of black are gilded around this new green, the other sparrows are happy, balance after all is good and motherhood sits quite well on Black. Lastly was Blue, she may have been the last but hers was a whole team of nestlings, the more the merrier, how she kept track of her merry circus and maintained organized chaos was a wonder to the rest. . . Yellow never did get on the motherhood train, her cheerful disposition remained steadfast. . . and the girls never got to know whether this had been by choice or circumstance. . . she never volunteered the information, not even to black. . . whose heart bled continuously for her friend, even when words went unsaid. The others would also never ask. . . it was left unsaid. . . The sparrows simply hurdled closer to her, it was never said that yellow was not a mother, no, she was the most loved by all the nestlings, and dotted on them equally, all sunshine and love.
The sparrows found each other on a rainy day. . .
Black joined a new flock, her move had been necessitated by little golden, she wanted to learn how to sing. . .and whatever little golden wanted, Black did her best to facilitate. Auntie Yellow came along to help them settle, she would never admit it but little golden . . . she worried most about her, maybe because she would sometimes see herself reflected in those shiny baby feathers. She would go back to her own life once they settled.
The sparrows found each other on a rainy day. . .
Victorian bird illustrations
LATELY. . . all the feathers of the sparrows are gilded with grey. . . the nestlings all flew to their own adventures, and the mother sparrows decided to take the time to finish their long flight around the sky with style. They are back together again, neighbors . . .planning little adventures everyday . . . bickering, reminiscing, with long days and nights of laughter and tears. . .the sun shines golden, the trees glow deep green and the water at the falls, flowing from the river, pools at the bottom of the falls, glistening like liquid diamonds. . . not that the sparrows would care much for diamonds, after all, they are birds!
